My underwear smells like fireworks.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
40s are totally the cure
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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