I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
