I look better un-naked...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
