So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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