Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
