i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
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I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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