Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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