Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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