And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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