Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
