I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
