so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
