I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
