Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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