I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
