If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
