Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
