Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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