She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
