a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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