i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i dont even know how to be here
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
