so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
