I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
