By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
