I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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