Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
