My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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