I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
this beer tastes like vomit already
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
