it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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