if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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