so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
