if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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