I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
