things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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