i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
