I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
