i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
