Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
