this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
