I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
