i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
