Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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