Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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