So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
