Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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