I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
