I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
