I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
