I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
