I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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