I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
