I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
