His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
