Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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