I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
