where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
