Will you blow on my dice?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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