I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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