I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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