Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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