maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
