I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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