The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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